Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Actions speak louder than pants.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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