He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
