Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
