I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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