my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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