Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
