theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
