I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
