dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
