Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
