Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
