Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
