I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
