You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize