my soul wont recognize me after tonight
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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