just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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