I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
