seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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