there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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