Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
