I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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