Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
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In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
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I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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