but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
