I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
