I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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