So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
