He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
