just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Randomize
