The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
