guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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