my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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