This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
