I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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