I checked into jail on foursquare
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
