I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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