I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
