turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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