Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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