final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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