saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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