I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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