so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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