Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
