Im at strip club and am horny
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
