No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
don't judge my taste in strippers
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