I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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