I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize