He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
