Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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