I wish I could punch you in the face.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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