i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
