I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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