The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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