Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
