Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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